Helping a Friend

What You Can Do to Help:

• Say something. Lend a listening ear. Tell your friend that you care and are willing to listen.  Express care and concern and listen without judgment. Don’t force the issue, but allow your friend to confide in you at her/his own pace.  Focus on supporting your friend’s right to make her/his own decisions. Never blame your friend for what is happening or underestimate her/his fear of potential danger. Violence is never the survivor’s fault.
• Become informed. Find out all the facts you can about domestic violence. Contact organizations that address sexual and domestic violence, or contact the local program(s) in your area that assist survivors of domestic violence. Look for books about domestic violence in your local library. The more you know, the better prepared you will be.
• Guide your friend to community services. Gather information about dating/domestic violence programs in your area.  These programs offer safety, advocacy, support, legal information, and other needed services.  If your friend asks for advice on what s/he should do, share the information you’ve gathered.  Let your friend know your s/he is not alone and people are available to help.  Encourage her/him to seek the assistance of dating/domestic violence victim advocates.  Assure her/him that they will keep information confidential.
• If your friend decides to end the relationship… Survivors of domestic violence may face greater risk when they try to end the abusive relationship. If the abusive person feels she/he has lost control, she/he may become very dangerous. Help her/him make a plan to be safe. She/he may want to call SPARCC, or your local domestic violence helpline to help create a safety plan. Domestic violence programs can help her/him look at the options and make a plan to be as safe as possible.
• Focus on their strengths. Your friend has probably continually been told by the abusive person that s/he is a bad person, a bad student, or a bad friend.  Your friend may believe she/he can’t do anything right and that there really is something wrong with her/him. Make sure they know that is not true by providing emotional support and positive encouragement.  Emphasize that everyone deserves a life that is free from violence.
• Be patient and supportive. Reaching out for help takes tremendous courage. There are many factors that may delay your friend from seeking help or trying to leave. Being patient and supportive can be frustrating but it is very important.

Things that might be keeping you from saying something–Myths v. Facts:

• The violence can’t really be that serious. Domestic violence includes threats, pushing, punching, slapping, choking, sexual assault, and assault with weapons. It is rarely a one-time occurrence and usually escalates in frequency and severity. Even if the violence is “only” verbal, it can seriously affect an individual’s health and well-being. Any act of dating violence is something to take seriously.
• My friend must be doing something to provoke the violence. A survivor of domestic violence is never to blame for another person’s choice to use violence against her/him. Problems exist in any relationship, but the use of violence is never acceptable.
• If it’s so bad, why doesn’t s/he just leave? For most of us, a decision to end a relationship is not easy. Your friend’s emotional ties to her/his partner may be strong, supporting the hope that the violence will end. Perhaps your friend doesn’t know about available resources, or maybe social and justice systems may have been unhelpful in the past. Perhaps when your friend has tried to end the relationship in the past, her/his partner may have used violence to stop her/him These are just some of the many compelling reasons that may keep someone in an abusive relationship.
• I shouldn’t get involved in a private matter. Domestic violence is not a “personal problem”. It is a crime with serious repercussions for your friend, your friend’s partner, and your entire community.
• I know the abusive person– I really don’t think he/she could hurt anyone. Many abusers are not violent in other relationships and can be charming in social situations, yet be extremely violent in private.
• The abusive person must be sick. Using violence and abuse is a learned behavior, not a mental illness. People who use violence and abuse to control their partners choose such behavior; viewing them as “sick” wrongly excuses them from taking responsibility for it.
• I think the abusive person has a drinking problem. Could that be the cause of violence? Alcohol or drug use may intensify violent behavior, but it does not cause violence or abuse. People who engage in abusive behavior typically make excuses for their violence, claiming a loss of control due to alcohol/drug use or extreme stress. Acting abusively, however, does not represent a loss of control, but a way of achieving it.
• How can my friend still care for someone who abuses her/him? Chances are, the abuser is not always abusive.  She/he may show remorse for the violence after it happens and promise to change.  Your friend may understandably hope for such changes. Their relationship probably involves good times, bad times, and in-between times.
• If my friend wanted my help, she/he would ask for it. Your friend may not feel comfortable confiding in you, feeling you may not understand her/his situation.  Talk to her/him about the abusive behaviors you have noticed, tell your friend no one deserves to be treated in that way, and ask her/him how you can help.

This document has been adapted several times by several organizations and originated with “Helping The Battered Woman, A Guide For Family And Friends,” a 1989 publication of the National Woman Abuse Prevention Project.